Thursday, August 23, 2007


Just let me knit, world

Here are some more stitch markers which I managed to bang out tonight--it's my obligatory happy crafty pretty picture, which assuages my irrational fear that if I don't post at least one such photo each time I blog, you'll all leave and never come back. Ok, I'm only half kidding. But only half.

This is a bleary-eyed, late night rant, with no knitting content, so feel free to skip. But if you're still reading, the reason there's no knitting content is because (silent scream) I have no time to knit. Or dye yarn. Or do anything else which really matters to me. Or clean my house, because as much as I hate to clean, it does matter to me. It hasn't been really cleaned the way I would like since I went to work for my current employer. And it isn't so much a matter of cleaning, as it is dealing with the piles and piles of clutter, which takes time, planning, and mental and physical energy. To be honest, I'm not doing so good with any of that right now.

I work full time. I have a husband who travels two weeks out of every month, and when he's gone, I've got to do everything I normally do, plus everything he does, which is a lot, to keep this household running at a bare-bones minimum. We love our animals, but it is a lot of work to care for them, and they also need time and attention. When I try to tell Jason how much stress I feel about his road schedule, he doesn't really get it. He doesn't want me to quit my job. But here's the way I see it: he earns nearly four times as much as I do. Yet I invest a goodly chunk of time in working and commuting. (I'll blog about gender inequality in the workplace some other time.)

Now I know I sound like I'm on the pity pot, and yes I'll have some cheese with my whine, thank you very much. Ninety-nine point nine percent of the world's population doesn't have it as good as I do, and I'm well aware of that. But you know what? I still feel a deep sense of burnout, of having come to the end of something. And I can't seem to shake it.

I just got the biggest cash bonus of my life, and I don't care about my job anymore. Three years ago, I was dying to have this job. Yet this morning, I was so recalcitrant, all right, pissed off about having to go to work when all I wanted to do was stay home and craft, that I engaged in minor road rage. (driving too fast, impatient, that sort of thing. I was the type of person on the roads this morning that I normally think are the biggest a-holes... dear me.) I don't have enough patience with my teen. These are things I need to address, behaviors I need to change, and fast.

I have no answers. All I know is that I wake up each morning wanting to finish this sock, work on that sweater, start that shawl, dye up a storm, and write the book I know is in me somewhere... but I'm living a life of endless details which put me farther and farther away from what I can't stop thinking about. I'm aware that I've done more than my part to set up the necessity of working outside the home, and tending to all those details...but I can't muster the enthusiasm I once had for my work. And for the love of all that is holy, I must find an alternative to the daily, timesucking, soul-killing, resource-wasting freeway commute. I've been doing it nearly all my working life, and that's about 30 years. I'm... done.

Good thing, too, because it's really late, and I've got to turn in. Task force meeting tomorrow morning, dontcha know.

Sorry, everybody. I won't post again until I feel more like Sharon Chickenlips.

Chicken Lips, you be on my bloglines and you're not going anywhere-must be something in the air. I was a-ranting yesterday too.

Do you know Flylady.com? She makes clutter managable.

I'm with you on the "all I want to do is.." I thought learning knitting would teach me patience during the times I had to frog 40 hours worth of knitting because of a stupid mistake. Come to find the most patience I've learned is how not to be annoyed when I can't knit (and I've only really managed that sporadically!)
Pictures or not, there is no way I would stop reading your blog! And I'll bet your other readers feel the same! The pics are cool, but I read for what you have to say. :)

As for the rant... you just let the words fly any old time you need to. Burnout sucks and venting about it is a good thing. *HUGS*
I'm with yah sista- thick or thin blogs!! I think its hard to work at 'soul-sucking' jobs because there is nothing in them to feed the creative person inside, It's all mind numbing drugery and no artistic expression. This seems to be the topic on alot of blogs this week! Hang in there, I send you invisable hugs and encouragement!
Don't worry--I'm sticking around, too. You say hubby doesn't want you to quit your job, but if it is financially feasible for you to do so, have you considered quitting and maybe finding a (part-time) job doing something you'd actually like to do--maybe something crafty? People sometimes ask me if I'm "going back to work" now that my kids are in school. I feel like I've been working 24 hours a day for ten years; I just haven't been getting paid. I don't really feel all that bad about only working part time at home now. I still do all the housework, volunteer at my kids' school constantly, and help with the breadwinning, although I do only a tiny fraction of it. Why would I want another full-time job? Why should I have to take one? No one complained when I was up six times a night nursing babies, and up all day chasing toddlers, and dragging kids all over town shopping, going to doctors' appointments, running errands, and then going to law school in the evenings--and all the while my husband was going to a nice quiet office and having coffee and lunch breaks and talking to adults. Who has the right to complain now? Sorry. Probably too much information. I get a little hot under the collar at the way "women's work" is discounted, when we all know it's the hardest work there is. I'll shut up now.
Hey, we love you.
First of all, we hear ya, sistah. And I'm right there with Yarnhog - my husband goes to this nice little office job where they pay him obscenely to do something I don't think is half as difficult as explaining to a frightened toddler why he has no choice but to get that painful stick in the arm with a needle. But then I hear perspective and choices made echoing in the back of my head and I realize that there are probably difficult things about my hub's job I don't understand either. However, it really sounds like it's time for some adjustments in your life, starting with that commute. Is there any way to switch to longer days but shorter weeks? Or job-sharing? Sabbatical? Part-time at a yarn store job? Opening your own yarn store? (That last one is my personal favorite.) Don't freak out, we're all here for you.
OMG - there's nothing like a soul-sucking commute to bring insane, foul language out of my mouth! It's like my evil twin comes out or something.

I agree with yarnhog - if you can swing it, it sounds like a change of job would make a real difference in your state of mind. Easier said than done, of course, but you only live once. Why waste your time being unhappy?
I am sorry you fel "wonky " right now. But I totally understand! Am sort of in the same boat but not really! Hope you are felling better today!
Rant away, I'm not going anywhere, and I've been in your boat, too. Hang in there, and try to keep smiling!
Sharon, please feel free to rant away anytime. I, like your other loyal readers, am not going anywhere, photos or no photos. I have personal feelings about your job issue but I'll email you with some possible solutions to try and prevent angry, dissatisfied Sharon from making an appearance. I can think of at least three or four things you could do in lieu of your current work that would be satisfying to your personal well-being. You deserve to do something that calls to you, something that you love and that makes you feel valuable. You are too damn cool not to get that. I hope things are looking up. I'll email you shortly. :)
We embrace your ranting! And I am probably one of many here who can totally relate to everything you said! I'm sort of in a similar boat right now, which has been apparent recently on my blog(and lack of blogging) as well. My job got to me so badly yesterday that I had a tight chest and couldn't sleep for the whole night! And I sought out my current sucky job---how lame is that?

Hang in there, and feel free to rant away. You are on my bloglines as well, and am here for the ranting as well as the knitting. :)

BTW, I get very ticked off when I have NO time to knit and have to leave for work---is that why I drive like Mario Andretti all the time?
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